Learning from Steubenville

As I sit and reflect on the events that have been unfolding in Stuebenville, this post came across my Facebook.  As I read the words, I was silently cheering, YES! in my head, but my eyes filled with tears; this is someone's daughter, I have two daughters.  These are someones sons, I also have two sons.  I prayed for all of my children and their children, that they will be untouched by this type of violence.  The pain surrounding this case comes in many forms and it seems to be leaving many with so many questions of why would or how could this happen and how to we prevent this type of violence from happening ever again?  

This article summed it up best so I re-post it here. 

Prevent Another Steubenville: What All Mothers Must Do for Their Sons

Kim Simon, Posted: 03/18/2013 5:05 pm. Huffington Post

When Max was just a few months old, I sat cross-legged on the floor with him in a circle of other mothers. The facilitator for our "Mommy and Me" playgroup would throw a question out to the group, and we would each volley back an answer.

"What quality do you want to instill in your child? What personality characteristic would you most like for your son to be known for?" she asked.  One by one, the mothers answered. "Athletic," "good sense of humor," "brave," "smart," "strong."

The answers blended together until it was my turn to speak. I looked down at the tiny human wiggling around on the blanket in front of me with his perfectly round nose and his full lips that mirrored mine. I stroked the top of his very bald head and said with confidence: "kind.  "I want my son to grow up to be kind.

The eyes of the other mothers turned towards me. "That's not always a word that you hear used for boys," one said. "But yes, you're right... so I guess, me too." At the end of the day, we wanted our tiny, fragile, helpless baby boys to grow up to be kind. Strong, resilient, athletic, funny... but above all else, kind.

Max is almost 4 years old. He knows nothing about the horrific things that young men did to a young woman on the saddest night that Steubenville has ever seen. He doesn't know, but I sure do. I know that someone's daughter was violated in the most violent way possible, by someone's son. By many sons. The blame for that night falls squarely on the shoulders of the young men who made terrible choices, but it also falls in the laps of their parents.  Sexual assault is about power and control. But it is also about so much more. While it's true that big scary monster men sometimes jump out of bushes to rape unsuspecting women, most rapists look like the men who we see every day. Acquaintance rape (or date rape) accounts for the majority of sexual assaults that we see among young people. In colleges, in high schools, at parties, in the cars and bedrooms that belong to the men who women trust. These men are your fraternity brothers, your athletes, your church-going friends, the young neighbor who mows your lawn. They are somebody's son. Date rape is often saturated with entitlement. It feeds off of the hero worship that grows rampant like weeds on school campuses and in locker rooms. Young men are taught to be strong, to be athletes, to be feared. Young women are taught to be meek, to be feminine, and to be small. As our young people begin to sort out relationships with each other and relationships with alcohol, they encounter an endless menu of ways to hurt each other. As a community, we give our athletes free reign. Young men are filled with the heavy power of triumph, their heroism illuminated by the bright lights of a brisk Friday night football game. Young cheerleaders spend hours painting signs for them, adorning hallways with fluorescent notes of encouragement. Young men are known by their football number, their last touchdown pass, their ability to get any girl they choose. Young women fill the stands with hopeful smiles, dying to be noticed. We have created this. We have allowed this. We choose not to demand more from our young men, because we see how big they grow in the spotlight. We give them adult power, without instilling in them an adult sense of responsibility and ethics.  Moms, it is time. Now is the time to make this stop. If you are the mother of a son, you can prevent the next Steubenville.

It doesn't matter if your boy is 4 or 14 or 24. Start now.

We must teach our boys to be kind. Teaching empathy, compassion and awareness needs to begin as early as possible. A toddler can learn how to use words of kindness: "Friend, are you OK?" "I'm sorry friend, did you get a boo-boo?  "Encourage tiny boys to be aware of how others are feeling. Name what they see. "Mommy is sad right now, honey. Our friend G is sick, and I want her to feel better."

Give children tasks that they can do to help someone in need. Write letters of gratitude to take to the local firehouse. Bring dinner to a mother on bedrest. Choose a toy to share with the new child that just joined your preschool class. Teach your child to go towards a child who is upset, instead of walking away. When I picked Max up from school the other day, his teacher remarked on how "kind" he was. He checks in on other students. He runs to them when they get hurt. At first, I was embarrassed...oh, how my husband will tease me for instilling my "Social Worker" traits in our son. He must be brave and tough instead. But I am so proud that he is kind. That he is a helper. That he sees the emotions of those around him. Would he have hurt for the girl in Steubenville? Would he have felt her fear and said something? Teach your sons to tune in. Name emotions for them. Give them words to match their feelings.

We must teach our boys what it truly means to be brave. Bravery doesn't always feel good. I've heard it said that "courage is being afraid, and doing it anyway." How many of those young men in Steubenville knew in their sweet boy hearts that what was happening was wrong, but still they remained silent? They were afraid to ruin their own hard-earned reputations, afraid of what their peers would think of them. They were afraid of getting in trouble, afraid they wouldn't know what to say. Teach your boys that bravery can be terrifying. Courage can be demanded of you at the most inopportune times. Let them know that your expectation is that they are brave enough to rise to the occasion. And show them how.

We must not shy away from telling our sons the truth about sex. Of course this looks different in a conversation with a 4-year-old than it does with a 12-year-old. In our house, we are still working on giving body parts their appropriate names. Making family rules about how we always wear clothes when people come to visit (OK, Sean and I are good on that one, but Max keeps answering the door in his underwear.) As uncomfortable as it is, the conversation needs to evolve as your boy gets older. Sex feels good. Sex is overwhelming. Sex is confusing. Sex tricks you into thinking that you are receiving what you need (physical satisfaction, comfort, companionship, love, respect). Sex education is more than just giving your child condoms and reminding them about STDS. As parents, we need to worry about our sons being respectful of their sexual partners, not just about them getting someone pregnant. Our boys need to know that they will find themselves at a crossroads one night, or on multiple nights. Their body will be telling them one thing, and their partner may be telling them another. It is a young man's responsibility to listen to his partner. Explain to your son what consent looks like (and doesn't look like). They need to know what sex looks like. Not the Playboy/online porn version, but the logistics of how it actually works. Teach them to ask their partners. Teach them to check in as they take the next step with someone. Teach them to stop if they don't think they're getting a clear answer. 

We must give our sons the tools they need to protect themselves and each other. Can your teenager call you in the middle of the night, no questions asked? Can they tell you the truth, without you flipping out and getting angry? Do they trust that you are on their team, that you will sit down and talk things through with them, making a calm plan together? Role play with your son about how to find help, who to go to for help, what numbers to call. An embarrassed, terrified bystander in Steubenville could have quietly snuck outside to call the police for help. Or to text an anonymous tip. Or to call a parent or older sibling for advice. Instead, at least a dozen sons were paralyzed by fear. And intoxicated. And probably overwhelmed by the sexual feelings of their own that they were experiencing... feelings that they were never given the context for.

Give your son the tools they need to understand that their sexuality is a powerful thing, one that they are solely responsible for. Give them a framework for understanding that sex carries an enormous responsibility, not just to themselves, but to their partners. Does your son know what rape is? Does he know what it means? Does he know that it's not just creepy smelly guys who hide in alleys who are responsible for rape? That it's his peers? That in someone else's eyes, it could be him? Discuss the ways that a woman can give consent. Pull the curtains back on the grey areas, and demand that your son learns how to communicate with his partner... whether it's his first time or his 50th time.

When I found out that I was having a son, I was relieved at first. I thought I had dodged a bullet, not having a daughter who I would have to protect from the big, scary, violent world that is still so unkind to women. This will be so much easier, I thought. But it's not. It's harder.

I am now pregnant with my second son. As a feminist and a mother, a survivor and an activist, a human and a writer, I have discovered that my job in preventing sexual assault is even bigger than it would be if I had a daughter. Because every rapist is someone's son. We have the chance to fix that, one little boy at a time.

Girls more likely than boys to have risky first sex

A recent study has revealed that teen girls are less likely to use condoms during their first sexual encounter than teen boys. To read the article, click here. When this article was first presented to me, I replied with, "Yes, of course. I figured that." I was asked why I thought that, which led into a much deeper conversation about teens, sex, relationships, power, and choice.

For me, this one is a no-brainer. When you have talked with teen girls who have had sex, many of them will describe it as "It just happened." "I didn't plan it." "I didn't know that was going to happen." What does that tell you? THE GIRLS WERE NEVER ASKED IF THEY WANTED TO HAVE SEX. So, let's take this discussion one step further. If you are never ASKED if you want to have sex, then what will you never ask the other person to use? a CONDOM. Now you know why this study was not surprising to me at all.

You see, females often do not feel like they have a voice in a relationship. Yes, they have a "voice" as in they talk. But they often do not feel like they have any "power." Especially if the young woman is in a relationship with an older boy, then she really doesn't feel like she has power. As a result, if you have no power in a relationship - then you won't feel justified in demanding or insisting someone use a condom to protect you. This, my friends, is the problem. This is why we currently have job security! And, this is why we call them "Empowerment Groups." So, the work goes on.

Any thoughts? Am I off base or on track? I am curious to hear what others think too. And please - let's teach them ALL to use protection when they decide to have sex, for themselves and their partners.

10 year old gives birth in Spain

Did you hear? A 10 year old girl has given birth in Spain this week (don't believe me? Google it!). And her mother is thrilled. Apparently, the girl is from Romania and is part of a group of gypsies who marry very young, before they are legally allowed to marry. So this 10 year old had "married" a 13 year old boy and became pregnant. Now, they are going to be parents, and the mother is thrilled and said they are all doing well. Thrilled, hmm? Interesting....

I just wonder how a 10 year old even begins to conceive of being a mother. Think back to your own 10 year old self. I think I had trouble even remembering to brush my teeth consistently when I was 10 years old. The thought of me being responsible for another human being at that age is SCARY. Responsibility did not equal me back then; ask my parents. I also just wonder what the heck the poor girl thought about sex at that age. I mean really, wouldn't she have been scared to death? I go to an elementary school and talk about puberty with their 4th graders. I remember a 4th grade girl tentatively raising her hand, after I had shown the video and described menstrual cycles and reproduction, and asking, "Just because my body is ready to do all of that, does that mean I have to start doing it?" NOOOO!!! I think was my response. And, "As a matter of fact, I recommend that none of you do this for a very long time, because you won't be ready for awhile." But hey, with this group of people, they'd be ready next week! Again, SCARY.

I am all about cultural diversity and understanding others who are different from you. But really, 10 years old for a child to be giving birth - and to be married? Just because bodies are ready to do all of that doesn't mean minds, and hearts, and heads, and souls are ready. We don't live in the cave man days anymore; we aren't on the verge of extinction. We will have plenty of people to populate the earth. And if we have 10 year olds having babies, then we will OVER-populate the earth in no time. Why the rush? I understand why our bodies had to be ready to reproduce early, but the same urgency is not there now. So come on Romanian gypsies, can we PLEASE slow down? There are so many other things 10 year olds could be doing. And being a mom doesn't even make the top 100.

16 year olds aren't supposed to die

16 year olds aren't supposed to die. That's what I've been saying all week and what I've been hearing from the students at Mapleton High School. They lost one of their peers last Friday night, a young man who died in a single-car accident not far from his home. There has been plenty of speculation about what happened and how it all occurred. But as I have said to the students throughout this past week, it really doesn't matter how it happened. The end result is the same: this young man died, and many have lost someone who was significant to them. You can change the story that leads up to the crash, but the end result of the crash is always the same: Brian is dead. That is the part of the story that is hardest to swallow.

When someone so young dies, it causes everyone around them to be confronted with a reality that never seemed possible. To 16 year olds, nobody young ever dies. Old people die, animals die, even parents die - but 16 year olds don't die. This reality shatters the illusion they have been able to uphold for such a long time. It can be earth-shattering and life changing. It can turn your world, and your worldview, upside down. For these kids who have recently been confronted with this, that is definitely what has happened, and now they are left trying to reconcile this disruption in their lives and their world.

As adults, we need to support teenagers when a situation such as this happens. We need to reassure them that 16 year olds don't normally die. However, we also need to have a frank discussion about the risks teens take that can lead to outcomes like this. They need to know what puts THEM at risk, and what they can do to take control of their lives. Not in a preachy, Thou-Shalt-Not kind of way. In a "Hey - I really care about you and I don't want this to happen to you too, so let's talk about what you can do to avoid this outcome" kind of way. It's important to have these conversations and to make a point to talk with teens about death, about risks, and about grief. Because they are all a part of life, and life is sometimes hard. Let's help them figure out how to cope with these difficulties now so they can deal with them and learn good coping skills for the future. More than anything, we just need to be there: to listen to them, to hug them, to commiserate with them. Teens need to know we're here for them, and that we'll be here for them in the future. They just need to know they're not alone, especially at a time when they will feel most isolated. And they need to be reminded - 16 year olds don't normally die. So let's figure out how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Rest in peace, Brian; you will be missed.

Teen Pregnancy Rates

Well, the data are in for 2008. To view how many teens gave birth in 2008 in each state, click here.

When looking at Ohio, I guess it's a good thing we are not statistically different than the national average. However, looking at each state's data and the information overall, the trends are disturbing. What shocked me as I looked at the data is how many non-Hispanic black teens and Hispanic teens are giving birth as teens. The rates are more than DOUBLE the rates of non-Hispanic white teens. That, to me, is shocking. So what does that mean? How do we interpret that? How can we impact these statistics? I don't know if I have the answers, but I at least think we need to be asking the questions. To me, so many issues come to mind: you have teens who a good majority are probably living in poverty, then giving birth as teens and thus re-creating the pattern and bringing the next generation into poverty. How do we stop this trend? I don't know. But I do know we need to figure it out. The cycle of poverty is discouraging and debilitating, and we need to do whatever we can to eliminate it. I just don't know if this society has the courage, the REAL courage, to confront it.

In Ashland County, our numbers are up some this year. I don't know what to make of that either, except that many of the teens giving birth this year are not ones that are known to Ashand Parenting Plus. That tells me we still have work to do because there are youth we aren't reaching. In our groups, the numbers are good; our rate is about 1% which is amazing considering 30% of teen girls are expected to experience a pregnancy by the age of 20. And remember, we serve many youth who are considered to be at highest risk for pregnancy! So, we are doing well. However, this study, and our numbers for births throughout the county in 2010 so far, show me we still have more to do. Job security, I guess, but I would still like to go be a greeter at Wal-Mart some day and work myself out of a job. There would be nothing more satisfying than the world not needing our services anymore!

On that note, don't forget to attend our Celebration Open House tomorrow, October 21 from 4-5pm at our building, 1763 St. Rt. 60 (by the career center, in the old Heartland Home). We are celebrating 25 years of service to Ashland County! Come by & grab a piece of cake. Help us celebrate the fact that we're still here! We'll be here as longer as we're needed.

Bullying

http://http//today.msnbc.msn.com/id/39620074/ns/today-today_people

Have you heard about the four students who suicided as a result of bullying in Mentor, OH? If not, click on the link above for information regarding the incidents and links to other related articles. News of this hit last week, and it has continued to dominate websites since then. I was listening to a Cleveland radio station the other morning, and they were discussing this story since Mentor is not far from Cleveland.

One caller who called in, a teen girl who attends the school, said it's not true - bullying is not occurring. She flat out denied anything of the sort going on. My question is: what planet is she on? Seriously - where is she living? I might not be a teen, but I am in a local high school/middle school every week, and I can GUARANTEE bullying is going on. Our group facilitators are in every middle school and high school in Ashland County, and I guarantee you: bullying is happening on a daily basis. Ashland maybe a small community, but I highly doubt it's that different from Mentor High School. I also highly doubt Mentor is "immune" from the bullying issue. So instead of debating whether or not bullying is "really" happening, let's assmue it is and stop debating THAT - and start figuring out what to do to change it.

In a related story, I attended a girls' high school soccer game last night between two Ashland County teams. There was quite a bit of pushing and shoving going on, significantly from one of the teams but the other team was not innocent. As the game progressed, it became more and more aggressive. Now I was sitting in the stands with the more aggressive team's fans, and I could hear the students cheering the girls on to be more aggressive and push the other team around. I expect some of that; they're teens and don't always know better. However, I started to pay more attention to the parents who I could hear laughing and joking when one of the other team's players went down - from a foul committed by their team. The biggest shock came late in the game, when one of the team's players received a yellow card for obviously and maliciously attacking the other team's player from behind. Having played soccer, I know this is the type of attack that can break someone's leg. The students cheered, and the parents laughed. One parent even said, "I'm so proud. It's not even my daughter, but I'm proud of her." In disgust, I got up and left the stands.

Now I ask - is it any wonder we have girls getting into fights more frequently than even the boys at this point? Is it any wonder bullying is such a significant issue? If we have parents encouraging and PRAISING their teens for essentially sucker-punching girls on a soccer field, then why would they not beat the crap out of someone for making a smart remark? Indeed, they might even get a "I'm proud of you" from their parents when they get home.

We all need a wake-up call. Parents, be accountable to and for your kids. And kids, be accountable for standing up when someone treats someone else badly. If you don't do it, then who will? But if you DO stand up for someone, think of who else might do it for someone else, and just think about where that might lead. No one else should die just because someone wants a good laugh that day. Stick up for someone & someone might stick up for you.

Glamorizing or Reality-Based?

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy recently posted a picture of the cover of People magazine on its blog, prompting a discussion as to whether having the girls from the MTV show "Teen Mom" on the cover of magazines is glamorizing teen pregnancy (to see the blog, go to http://blog.thenationalcampaign.org/pregnant_pause/2010/09/teen-mom-cover-girls.php). I have read the article, and I have certainly seen the show. I don't think the show really glamorizes teen pregnancy, but I do agree that even these girls aren't fully exposing the "reality" of life simply because they receive payment for doing the show - something none of the teens I work with receive. This increased income sets them apart from their other peers. However, their relationship dramas, parenting issues, and family squabbles certainly do reflect the same kinds of things their peers face. I think the harsh reality of those issues, even on MTV, can be a good thing for other teens to see. If nothing else, it should be a place to start a discussion with teens about all of these issues, and from there you can debate some of the larger issues. Even having a conversation is important; it doesn't matter how it starts, simply that it starts. For that reason alone, I am grateful to these "Teen Mom" cover girls.