As I sit and reflect on the events that have been unfolding in Stuebenville, this post came across my Facebook. As I read the words, I was silently cheering, YES! in my head, but my eyes filled with tears; this is someone's daughter, I have two daughters. These are someones sons, I also have two sons. I prayed for all of my children and their children, that they will be untouched by this type of violence. The pain surrounding this case comes in many forms and it seems to be leaving many with so many questions of why would or how could this happen and how to we prevent this type of violence from happening ever again?
This article summed it up best so I re-post it here.
Prevent Another Steubenville: What All
Mothers Must Do for Their Sons
Kim Simon, Posted: 03/18/2013
5:05 pm. Huffington Post
When Max was just a few months old, I sat cross-legged on the floor with him in a circle of other mothers. The facilitator for our "Mommy and Me" playgroup would throw a question out to the group, and we would each volley back an answer.
"What quality do
you want to instill in your child? What personality characteristic would you
most like for your son to be known for?" she asked. One by one, the mothers answered. "Athletic,"
"good sense of humor," "brave," "smart,"
"strong."
The answers blended
together until it was my turn to speak. I looked down at the tiny human
wiggling around on the blanket in front of me with his perfectly round nose and
his full lips that mirrored mine. I stroked the top of his very bald head and
said with confidence: "kind. "I want my son to grow up to be kind.
The eyes of the other
mothers turned towards me. "That's not always a word that you hear used
for boys," one said. "But yes, you're right... so I guess, me
too." At the end of the day, we wanted our tiny, fragile, helpless baby
boys to grow up to be kind. Strong, resilient, athletic, funny... but above all
else, kind.
Max is almost 4 years
old. He knows nothing about the horrific things that young men did to a young
woman on the saddest night that Steubenville has ever seen. He doesn't know,
but I sure do. I know that someone's daughter was violated in the most violent
way possible, by someone's son. By many sons. The blame for that night falls
squarely on the shoulders of the young men who made terrible choices, but it
also falls in the laps of their parents.
Sexual assault is about power and control. But it is also about so much
more. While it's true that big scary monster men sometimes jump out of bushes
to rape unsuspecting women, most rapists look like the men who we see every
day. Acquaintance rape (or date
rape) accounts for the majority of
sexual assaults that we see among young people. In colleges, in high schools, at parties, in the cars and bedrooms
that belong to the men who women trust. These men are your fraternity brothers,
your athletes, your church-going friends, the young neighbor who mows your
lawn. They are somebody's son. Date rape is often saturated with entitlement.
It feeds off of the hero worship that grows rampant like weeds on school
campuses and in locker rooms. Young men are taught to be strong, to be
athletes, to be feared. Young women are taught to be meek, to be feminine, and
to be small. As our young people begin to sort out relationships with each
other and relationships with alcohol, they encounter an endless menu of ways to
hurt each other. As a community, we give our athletes free reign. Young men are
filled with the heavy power of triumph, their heroism illuminated by the bright
lights of a brisk Friday night football game. Young cheerleaders spend hours
painting signs for them, adorning hallways with fluorescent notes of
encouragement. Young men are known by their football number, their last
touchdown pass, their ability to get any girl they choose. Young women fill the
stands with hopeful smiles, dying to be noticed. We have created this. We have
allowed this. We choose not to demand more from our young men, because we see
how big they grow in the spotlight. We give them adult power, without
instilling in them an adult sense of responsibility and ethics. Moms, it is time. Now is the
time to make this stop. If you are the mother of a son, you can prevent the
next Steubenville.
It doesn't matter if
your boy is 4 or 14 or 24. Start now.
We must teach our boys to be
kind. Teaching empathy,
compassion and awareness needs to begin as early as possible. A toddler can
learn how to use words of kindness: "Friend, are you OK?"
"I'm sorry friend, did you get a boo-boo? "Encourage tiny boys to be
aware of how others are feeling. Name what they see. "Mommy
is sad right now, honey. Our friend G is sick, and I want her to feel
better."
Give children tasks
that they can do to help someone in need. Write letters of gratitude to take to
the local firehouse. Bring dinner to a mother on bedrest. Choose a toy to share
with the new child that just joined your preschool class. Teach your child to go towards a child who is upset, instead of
walking away. When I picked Max up from school the other day,
his teacher remarked on how "kind" he was. He checks in on other
students. He runs to them when they get hurt. At first, I was embarrassed...oh, how my husband will tease me for instilling my "Social
Worker" traits in our son. He must be brave and tough instead. But
I am so proud that he is kind. That he is a helper. That he sees the emotions
of those around him. Would he have hurt for the girl in Steubenville? Would he
have felt her fear and said something? Teach your sons to tune in. Name
emotions for them. Give them words to match their feelings.
We must teach our boys what it
truly means to be brave.
Bravery doesn't always feel good. I've heard it said that "courage is
being afraid, and doing it anyway." How many of those young men in
Steubenville knew in their sweet boy hearts that what was happening was wrong,
but still they remained silent? They were afraid to ruin their own hard-earned
reputations, afraid of what their peers would think of them. They were afraid
of getting in trouble, afraid they wouldn't know what to say. Teach your boys
that bravery can be terrifying. Courage can be demanded of you at the most
inopportune times. Let them know that your expectation is that they are brave
enough to rise to the occasion. And show them how.
We must not shy away from
telling our sons the truth about sex. Of course this looks different in a conversation with a
4-year-old than it does with a 12-year-old. In our house, we are still working
on giving body parts their appropriate names. Making family rules about how we always wear clothes when
people come to visit (OK, Sean and I are good on
that one, but Max keeps answering the door in his underwear.) As uncomfortable
as it is, the conversation needs to evolve as your boy gets older. Sex feels
good. Sex is overwhelming. Sex is confusing. Sex tricks you into thinking that
you are receiving what you need (physical satisfaction, comfort, companionship,
love, respect). Sex education is more than just giving your child condoms and
reminding them about STDS. As parents, we need to worry about our sons being
respectful of their sexual partners, not just about them getting someone
pregnant. Our boys need to know that they will find themselves at a crossroads
one night, or on multiple nights. Their body will be telling them one thing,
and their partner may be telling them another. It is a young man's
responsibility to listen to his partner. Explain to your son what consent looks
like (and doesn't look like). They need to know what sex looks like. Not
the Playboy/online porn version, but the logistics of how
it actually works. Teach them to ask their partners. Teach them to check in as
they take the next step with someone. Teach them to stop if they don't think
they're getting a clear answer.
We must give our sons the tools
they need to protect themselves and each other. Can your teenager call you in the middle of
the night, no questions asked? Can they tell you the truth, without you
flipping out and getting angry? Do they trust that you are on their team, that
you will sit down and talk things through with them, making a calm plan
together? Role play with your son about how to find help, who to go to for
help, what numbers to call. An embarrassed, terrified bystander in Steubenville
could have quietly snuck outside to call the police for help. Or to text an
anonymous tip. Or to call a parent or older sibling for advice. Instead, at
least a dozen sons were paralyzed by fear. And intoxicated. And probably
overwhelmed by the sexual feelings of their own that they were experiencing...
feelings that they were never given the context for.
Give your son the
tools they need to understand that their sexuality is a powerful thing, one
that they are solely responsible for. Give them a framework for understanding
that sex carries an enormous responsibility, not just to themselves, but to
their partners. Does your son know what rape is? Does he know what it means? Does
he know that it's not just creepy smelly guys who hide in alleys who are
responsible for rape? That it's his peers? That in someone else's eyes, it
could be him? Discuss the ways that a woman can give consent. Pull the curtains
back on the grey areas, and demand that your son learns how to communicate with
his partner... whether it's his first time or his 50th time.
When I found out that
I was having a son, I was relieved at first. I thought I had dodged a bullet,
not having a daughter who I would have to protect from the big, scary, violent
world that is still so unkind to women. This will be so much easier, I
thought. But it's not. It's harder.
I am now pregnant with
my second son. As a feminist and a mother, a survivor and an activist, a human
and a writer, I have discovered that my job in preventing sexual assault is
even bigger than it would be if I had a daughter. Because every rapist is
someone's son. We have the chance to fix that, one little boy at a time.